My Yoga Journey: Self Loathing to Acceptance & Mental Clarity

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## I'm going completely out of my comfort zone in this post, but I wanted to share this with anyone contemplating learning Yoga. Raising a little awareness about how beneficial it can be even for a beginner, like myself.

I don't normally take photos of myself doing yoga, I don't think it has any relevance to the reason I practice, but I wanted to write an article on why I do it (even if it is sporadic) and how it has helped me both mentally and physically. I also want people to know that it doesn't have to be perfect. It's not about what's on the outside, it's how it makes you feel on the inside. The outer body just responds(eventually haha). I don't care to impress anyone. I do this for me and how it makes me feel. Over the years I have struggled with body loathing. I was bulimic for a year after being bullied for being overweight at age 14. I have had partners that would tell me that when I was fat, they preferred skinny women and when I lost weight they like bigger women. My weight fluctuated greatly in my 20's and 30's and it's only since hitting my 40's that I seem to have come to an agreement with my mind that my body is just a vessel and like a flower at the end of summer still strong but slightly wilting, I am slowly transitioning into the golden age of my time here on earth. **That's not to say that I don't sometimes struggle with my view of my body.** I can see the signs of rapid weight loss, childbirth, and aging, but I am learning to embrace them and thank my body for being able to carry four beautiful humans into this world. ##### What matters most to me now is that my body is healthy and strong enough to keep me agile for at least the next three decades. I don't want to be that grandma in the mobility scooter, reliant on others to lift even the lightest of objects. I enjoy being outdoors, long walks, and even bouncing and front flipping on that trampoline on the beach. I don't want to lose that. I want to be bouncing into my eighties in good physical health. ### My journey into the world of all that is Yoga. In 2013, a few months after the birth of my eldest son we had not long had our Facebook page and website running. As we were blogging about Natural Remedies and Healing, yoga was one of the topics we wrote about. I knew nothing about it other than the fact that a girl I went to school with had shared some photos on a beach in Thailand saying that she had become a qualified Yoga teacher. Kudos to her. I looked at some of the moves she was doing and thought that never in a million years would I garner the flexibility to pull off any of those positions. Anyway, back to the point... So whilst reading about it I was intrigued and wanted to learn. It wasn't very popular in the UK at that time and I couldn't find any classes. Then I stumbled across this book;

*This isn't my original copy, that's in Spain with all my other books so I bought another used one on the web* I didn't have a clue what I was doing and in fact, at that time I think it was more interesting to me as a physical fitness tool rather than taking the time to understand the true philosophy behind yoga. It was a "cool" thing that my ego thought my body should enjoy for the benefit of others. So I tried it out, for about a week or so, wrote an article about the health benefits (and in all honesty, I probably shouldn't have written it as I knew very little other than what I had read online and skimmed over in this book), and then became distracted, gave up, and forgot about it. This became a thing for me until I moved offgrid in Spain. The book came with me everywhere, but it stayed in a bag or on a bookshelf. I even joined in with the kids who followed a lovely youtube channel designed to teach yoga through stories. I had a free yoga app on my phone which nearly caused me an injury as it was a pain twisting my body and then twisting my neck to see the phone. I got in some interesting tangles and hurt my knee doing the eagle pose. So once again, yoga went on the backburner. When we first moved offgrid, there was a lovely lady named Krista who had a custom-built yoga studio. She gave me a few lessons before she and her partner went traveling and those basics have stayed with me.

*My down dog isn't perfect yet, and yes those are mom rolls on my stomach. I never would have been able to share this even 5 years ago, and here I am taking this today and sticking it on the blockchain. (breathes out a deep sigh of face your fears)*. ##### So what was it about these private lessons that changed my mindset? Something happened during the second session. Krista was teaching Vinyasa which focuses on breath work with the movement. Something I couldn't figure out before. Whilst repeating the sequences of the flow, I suddenly felt this overwhelming but very positive urge to release all my negative energy. It was an incredibly freeing feeling. My mind experienced clarity and calm. I felt present and as though a huge weight had been lifted. I was almost in a trance-like state and this transmitted into my body. With every round of the flow, I could feel it taking me deeper into my subconscious. Lifting it out and accessing it with an awakened mind instead of an auto-pilot slumber. ### It felt amazingly special. >In amongst this calm, I could feel a lovely buoyant boat of energy floating on the tide of my soul. I think at this point, I feel I understood what the point of yoga was. It wasn't about looking good. Nor was it about being able to down dog like a pro. It was about how it felt... AND. IT. FELT. GOOD. It is this feeling that I aim for with every practice. I believe that if my mind feels good, the body will follow.

*I can just about get my foot above my knee now in tree pose, it was on my ankle when I first started.* **I don't practice regularly and perhaps I should**. What I do differently now is to listen and understand my body when it needs yoga. I try to encourage myself to keep going with it and lately I'll only leave it a couple of weeks between sessions. I think my two favorite poses have to be the child pose and corpse pose. I love having a mini-meditation at the end of the session too. It helps my body cool down and relaxes my muscles and allows me to remain present. I don't care for classes, nor do I care to ever take photos again. What I do care about is enjoying the ability to practice in the comfort of my home, where no one is watching me. I can get into the moment, without any distractions. I feel more confident and can feel the responses in my physical well-being. Most importantly though, yoga helps give me mental clarity. It helps calm the storms inside. ### ~ONE LOVE~

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Originally posted here: https://hive.blog/hive-120078/@holisticmom/my-yoga-journey-self-loathing-to-acceptance-and-mental-clarity