This Morning I Just Want To Eat Some Crispy Dried Fish And A Fried Egg

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Phosphorus, phosphorus, phosphorus! I am just paranoid about consuming food, a thing that should nourish me is also my poison. It has to be strictly done and countered by an expensive phosphorus binder. If only we can forgo eating and still be strong and healthy, but of course we cannot. Our body's cells requires food to do their job, for us to live and not get sick, get to thinned-out from hunger and eventually and die. Eating for me is a big great deal, I do not often get hungry, only after dialysis and yet I could not eat the things that I wanted, all because either the are no longer available like what happened yesterday or more often I do not have the appetite because of the side-effect of my dreaded hyperparathyroid medicine "Cinacalcet." Now I am just hungry, but even though I am hungry at the moment I cannot eat like a king anymore. Maybe my stomach had gotten small due to my inability to eat normal amounts of foods over the years past. That is how I eat now but maybe if I can get a hold on my favorite foods like oysters, pickled fresh anchovies, fermented fish and rice, coconut creamed river snails or whatever coconut creamed vegetables especially those taro leaves, or any special viand then maybe I can get myself full to the brim. That is every after or during dialysis session. But after taking Cinacalcet wow my appetite goes to zero again. That is why I am always doing the intermittent fasting or almost like it. I am just waiting for my urge to eat and then only from that point I can eat. When I eat it is always unfortunately I was just forcing myself to down my food so that I can survive. That is how ridiculous and pitiful my situation is. I reckon that this is not the way one should live and I actually rather die than to be like in this situation as even animals should not be subjected with this kind of miserable torturous life.
Originally posted here: https://hive.blog/writing/@cryptopie/this-morning-i-just-want-to-eat-some-crispy-dried-fish-and-a-fried-egg