The story behind my profile picture | Listening to the stories of 30 women

https://files.steempeak.com/file/steempeak/soyrosa/cyGgB01a-soyrosa_portrait.jpg

*I took this picture about 2 years ago. It was 2017, and being born in 1987 it would be my 30th birthday that year. Pretty significant, especially as it was *a hard year for me*, and round numbers sometimes make a person feel reflective.* In 2015 I had decided to *do something big* - it went wrong, I ended up with limited mobility, and lost a lot: also my love for walking outside for hours and doing street and documentary photography - that passion had even paid me from time to time. I was still connected with an artist platform, and we were discussing a new project to do together - the umbrella theme would be 'the invisible city' and all of us could interpret that theme however we wanted and fitted our style. I told them, almost shyly, that I would be 30 that year and I wanted to photograph *30 women who would turn 30 that year* like me. Ask them about turning 30, what it meant for them, what it meant for them in relation to being *a woman*, what living in the city meant - and way way more. To speak to 30 *other women* who I expected would have some interesting things to share themselves would satisfy some of the questions I had about myself turning 30 and **not being at the place in life where I though I would be**. It was always *assumed*, both by myself and by *others*, that I would become a fast-track career woman as I had always been *pretty smart*, had done all my studies with ease, and had gotten jobs *offered* even when I wasn't looking for them. But now? I was sitting on the couch for two years already, seeing almost no progress in my rehabilitation, and feeling pretty lost. I also started to realize, which was part of the reason why I even *went* on a sabbatical two years before, that *business environments* were not for me - and I might (shocking) be more comfortable with the life of an *artist* - you know, the poor and suffering but happily *making stuff with her hands* kind. Anyway. I almost let myself be scared off by my own plans as I had *no idea* how to photograph 30 women and go on 30 appointments in the course of a few months: I was barely able to cook or get out of the house, so it seemed like something I just *couldn't make happen*. #### But then my photographer colleague who I always looked at as my mentor told me 'just make them come to you'... And so I did. After talking myself out of all the worries of not having amazing light in my home, etcetera, I posted a call on Facebook and asked for women of 1987 to come to my home for 'a chat and a photograph'. And they came. #### I literally have 60-70 hours of audio material of all these talks - and dozens of pictures as well. It was amazing. And heavy. And emotional. And uplifting. All at the same time. I was shocked and touched by the stories these women shared. Often strong-looking, relaxed and comfortably smiling, they melted in front of my camera because *I was one of them* and offered them coffee/tea and told them 'not to mind my camera I was just testing'. Of course that testing was always just an excuse to start them to get used to me taking pictures of them, and sometimes a test shot became the shot that ended up in the huge exhibition me and my artist platform had at the end of that year. https://i0.wp.com/www.rosannedubbeld.nl/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Slide_Opening_metnamen.jpg?w=1880 They told me about their successes, their fails, their worries - surviving cancer, a dying mom, being chronically ill, going through a divorce, having a court case on hand - it's only part of the stories they told me. I even had one woman on my couch who unfolded a photo album with my first boyfriend *ever* (I was 6 years old :D) in it - telling me she was his fiancée and his mother had recognized me from Facebook. It was full of ups and downs, sometimes I cried, sometimes they cried, sometimes it left me thinking for days and days. One thing became clear though: although I had felt alone in my struggles for quite a while I wasn't the only one struggling - even though all these women were the same age and from often privileged backgrounds, no-one 'had an easy life'. And none of them looked the part - even the woman who was bald from chemo looked terribly healthy with glowing skin and a fierce expression in her eyes. (There was one person who claimed 'she had nothing big happened to her'. Later she mentioned casually having had an operation on a stomach ulcer from stress a few months ago.) #### So, that picture? I took it literally in between all those 30 women on my couch - on the same couch with the same camera and the same light set-up. I feel it's reflecting some of the stories I'm holding in my heart, some of the worries I have, some of the pain *they carried*. But also the strength, me overcoming some big doubts about my value as a photographer, feeling beautiful enough *that day* to point the camera *on myself* which I don't do often - and much much more. #### *It's a significant picture to me - almost a summary of the lives of 30 other women who poured their experiences in my head and heart. I'm grateful for them sharing their stories with me - and giving me parts of *myself* back.*
Originally posted here: https://steemit.com/life/@soyrosa/the-story-behind-my-profile-picture-or-listening-to-the-stories-of-30-women